Guilt

People who know me well enough know how serious I really am and know when I’m joking and when I’m not.

My parents don’t, my elder sis doesn’t, some angels don’t, some friends don’t. But it’s okay, who can ever expect another to truly understand oneself?

Okay that’s just something I wanted to mention for some time but is entirely unrelated to the title of this post.

Guilt is brought upon by oneself, and grows because it feeds on the soul. It becomes stronger with every passing day of the sin that brought about its origin, and living this sin is tantamount to living falsely. And in my case, this sin was lying to a treasured friend.

Honesty is one of the most important of my principles. I must seem very ‘holier than thou’ to some people, who mistake me and think I’m just trying to be someone I’m not. But honesty is something very important to me. This is not about religion or about letting Jesus down, though that did affect me these past few days. My principles have not changed since becoming a Christian, and they have been set in motion at least 7 years ago.

Granted, the honesty that forms part of my principles is ‘honesty to oneself’, yet honesty to other people is an integral part of what matters to me. I can lie to my parents - because I know I will never lie about anything serious to them which demands their knowledge, and because I am not close to them personally. I feel I am actually very good at lying - the clear evidence for this is that people think I’m not, which only shows that they don’t know when I do. Haha. Most of the time I refuse to - because it is my belief that all lies get exposed in the end, are generally pointless, only make you feel worse, and should only exist for a good enough reason, standards of which I will not mention here now. However I can’t lie to my friends, especially not close ones. To me, it is tantamount to deceit. I will feel as though I shouldn’t be forgiven, because I treat the trust of my friends very preciously. Who am I to deserve this trust? Yet there are people who do trust me. And lies breach this trust - so I don’t lie to my friends.

Yet in a moment of folly and confusion, without logical thinking and amidst the speedy flow of time while I was too busy to think, I lied, cheated, deceived a very good friend. I did it cooperatively, came up with smooth lies to cover things up, prayed yet did not dare to pray for support and the prevention of disappointment. There was so much inner conflict, everything felt so raw. I wanted to rant at people - and I did so in the end, to a few - but I could never rant enough. Things were suddenly dumped on me and the worst thing was that I allowed it to happen.

The mistake I did this time was to assume the concept of taking a lie all the way and trying to make it a reality. I thought that by making this lie come true, it would negate its evil orgins and lessen my guilt, push back disappointment and encourage peaceful resolution. Of course, my mind must have been blinded by my guilt. I should’ve stuck to my principles all the way - no lies.

Why did this feel so painful? Because I had breached my principles. I am not someone who does that. But this time it threatened the foundation of my principles and they had become shaky, it threatened who I was as a person, as the person I had assumed, as the the person I had been. On Sunday in church, I was so sad. I prayed for a right way out of this mess.

And thank God, He did help me get out of this in the right way. And some more, without disappointment from my friend! I can never thank Him enough. But there is always more to complain.

Now that friend makes me feel like my guilt was all for nothing. Yet it had meant so much: my honesty that was nearly shaken, her trust for me that has now reduced, my other friends’ trust in my honesty, my integrity, my self-identity, my friendship with her.

I am even more certain now, we are of opposites. We can never become close friends. Only she is capable of making me feel so much yet only to realize it was for nothing in the end. In the end, the one who felt all that imagined disappointment was me.

This lesson taught me a few things. But what is the point in its formal discussion? It is over and has ended well. My relief over this issue is much greater than the disappointment I feel from what she thinks of me. After all, I already knew what she thought long ago, and this disappointment I get from her is an old familiar ache - nothing I cannot handle. It’s the same as when Li chin only finds me when she has no one else to find. It’s the feeling that accompanies misplaced hope in friendship.

A long time ago, to protect myself from all these, I never wanted to get close to people. Even now, I still wish I hadn’t become to close to people who would hurt me. People whom I still treasure even though they hurt me. Oh wait, it’s not that they have hurt me, it’s just myself who has assumed damage due to my periodic oversensitivities and hopeful assumptions.

Seriously, friendship is not something I like to discuss. It only brings out my weaknesses which I already know too well. Friendship, family ties, love, emotional attachments.

If we were all to live without emotion, perhaps that would truly be Utopia! But it would be a false heaven, a lifeless existence, for it is amidst pain that we shall find happiness.