Thunder Bay Trillium Emergency Response Exercise [PICS]

Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada - Nov.15th to 22nd, 2008. Trillium Emergency Response Exercise. The largest ever emergency and disaster response exercise held in Ontario by Ministry of Community Safety & Corrections. More than 1500 volunteers took part. The exercise scenario, which escalated throughout the week was an extreme ice storm striking Thunder Bay, plunging the city of over 100,000 at the northwestern tip of Lake Superior into chaos with hydro and communications blackouts and limited travel in the storm conditions. More than 20,000 residents were to have been in need of immediate emergency shelter, food, water and medical services.

Participants - Ministry of Health; EMO Emergency Management Office; O.P.P.; EMAT Emergency Medical Assistance Team; Salvation Army; Project417; Red Cross, St. Johns Ambulance, Thunder Bay Fire Dept and Police; HUSAR -Heavy Urban Search and Rescue; local and regional Fire and Rescue; Canadian Armed Forces and Reserve. Project417’s Andy Coats was invited as a volunteer with the Salvation Army’s Emergency & Disaster Services team providing mobile emergency meals and food services in their 30 foot emergency response vehicle and mobile canteen - CRV4, which we drove the 1,500 km to the city over a day and a half travel in bad winter weather and road conditions. (two Army Reserve trucks went off the icy road on the mountainous Lake Superior Hwy 17 route - the drivers and passengers had to be rescued and suffered non life threatening injuries). Myself and three other Salvation Army team members, lead by Incident Commander Jeff Noel, had just returned from Hurricane Ike disaster relief in Galveston County, Texas.  Our team in Thunder Bay served over a thousand meals in five days to exercise staff and volunteers from two mobile canteens along with local Salvation Army staff, who prepared all the meals in their Booth Centre Homeless Men’s shelter.

The province of Ontario’s Ministry of Health EMAT unit, Emergency Medical Assistance Team, is a 56 bed fully equipped and volunteer staffed mobile hospital. It was flown in on the Canadian Force’s C-17 heavy transport. Also taking part was the EMO command and communication vehicle: Mobile One.

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Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing

Below is the complete email conversation that Adelaide man David Thorne claims he had with a utility company chasing payment of an overdue bill.

Man of Rock: A Biography of Joe Kubert by Bill Schelly

Guilt

People who know me well enough know how serious I really am and know when I’m joking and when I’m not.

My parents don’t, my elder sis doesn’t, some angels don’t, some friends don’t. But it’s okay, who can ever expect another to truly understand oneself?

Okay that’s just something I wanted to mention for some time but is entirely unrelated to the title of this post.

Guilt is brought upon by oneself, and grows because it feeds on the soul. It becomes stronger with every passing day of the sin that brought about its origin, and living this sin is tantamount to living falsely. And in my case, this sin was lying to a treasured friend.

Honesty is one of the most important of my principles. I must seem very ‘holier than thou’ to some people, who mistake me and think I’m just trying to be someone I’m not. But honesty is something very important to me. This is not about religion or about letting Jesus down, though that did affect me these past few days. My principles have not changed since becoming a Christian, and they have been set in motion at least 7 years ago.

Granted, the honesty that forms part of my principles is ‘honesty to oneself’, yet honesty to other people is an integral part of what matters to me. I can lie to my parents - because I know I will never lie about anything serious to them which demands their knowledge, and because I am not close to them personally. I feel I am actually very good at lying - the clear evidence for this is that people think I’m not, which only shows that they don’t know when I do. Haha. Most of the time I refuse to - because it is my belief that all lies get exposed in the end, are generally pointless, only make you feel worse, and should only exist for a good enough reason, standards of which I will not mention here now. However I can’t lie to my friends, especially not close ones. To me, it is tantamount to deceit. I will feel as though I shouldn’t be forgiven, because I treat the trust of my friends very preciously. Who am I to deserve this trust? Yet there are people who do trust me. And lies breach this trust - so I don’t lie to my friends.

Yet in a moment of folly and confusion, without logical thinking and amidst the speedy flow of time while I was too busy to think, I lied, cheated, deceived a very good friend. I did it cooperatively, came up with smooth lies to cover things up, prayed yet did not dare to pray for support and the prevention of disappointment. There was so much inner conflict, everything felt so raw. I wanted to rant at people - and I did so in the end, to a few - but I could never rant enough. Things were suddenly dumped on me and the worst thing was that I allowed it to happen.

The mistake I did this time was to assume the concept of taking a lie all the way and trying to make it a reality. I thought that by making this lie come true, it would negate its evil orgins and lessen my guilt, push back disappointment and encourage peaceful resolution. Of course, my mind must have been blinded by my guilt. I should’ve stuck to my principles all the way - no lies.

Why did this feel so painful? Because I had breached my principles. I am not someone who does that. But this time it threatened the foundation of my principles and they had become shaky, it threatened who I was as a person, as the person I had assumed, as the the person I had been. On Sunday in church, I was so sad. I prayed for a right way out of this mess.

And thank God, He did help me get out of this in the right way. And some more, without disappointment from my friend! I can never thank Him enough. But there is always more to complain.

Now that friend makes me feel like my guilt was all for nothing. Yet it had meant so much: my honesty that was nearly shaken, her trust for me that has now reduced, my other friends’ trust in my honesty, my integrity, my self-identity, my friendship with her.

I am even more certain now, we are of opposites. We can never become close friends. Only she is capable of making me feel so much yet only to realize it was for nothing in the end. In the end, the one who felt all that imagined disappointment was me.

This lesson taught me a few things. But what is the point in its formal discussion? It is over and has ended well. My relief over this issue is much greater than the disappointment I feel from what she thinks of me. After all, I already knew what she thought long ago, and this disappointment I get from her is an old familiar ache - nothing I cannot handle. It’s the same as when Li chin only finds me when she has no one else to find. It’s the feeling that accompanies misplaced hope in friendship.

A long time ago, to protect myself from all these, I never wanted to get close to people. Even now, I still wish I hadn’t become to close to people who would hurt me. People whom I still treasure even though they hurt me. Oh wait, it’s not that they have hurt me, it’s just myself who has assumed damage due to my periodic oversensitivities and hopeful assumptions.

Seriously, friendship is not something I like to discuss. It only brings out my weaknesses which I already know too well. Friendship, family ties, love, emotional attachments.

If we were all to live without emotion, perhaps that would truly be Utopia! But it would be a false heaven, a lifeless existence, for it is amidst pain that we shall find happiness.

Amazing Race Nov. 16

10:14pm Nick and Starr leave to Kazakhstan and need to go to a chicken factory to search for their next clue.  So far they have had 4 first place finishes.  They head off to find a computer to do research.  Dallas and Toni end up at the same place and Dallas and Starr are flirting while Toni and Nick are talking.  They are heading to the airport to book the flights they find.

Terence and Sarah are on their way to the airport and Terence is complaining about how he has too much stuff and need to get rid of stuff.  Sarah is talking about how relaxed she feels and what a good mood she’s in.  Ken and Tina are heading to the airport.  The frat boys are last to leave.

Nick and Starr and Toni and Dallas are trying to book their flights at the airport on Lufthansa.  Sarah and Terence are trying to book a flight on Aeroflot.  Then the ticketing agent finds the Lufthansa flight.  So they head off to try and book that.  Ken and Tina are asking for the same flight.  So Toni and Dallas and Nick and Starr got their tickets.  The rest are still waiting.  Ken and Tina have their tickets.  Sarah and Terence are told the flight is full.  So they go back to the Aeroflot flight.  The frat boys are trying to get on the same flight but are told it’s full.

Ken and Tina are out first.  All three teams arrive to find it doesn’t open up until 7:30 the next morning.  So looks like everyone will catch up.  Huh, Andrew and Dan still aren’t there by morning.  So let’s see if they make it there by 7:30.  Uh oh, looks like their taxi driver doesn’t know where it is.  Ah, they made it before 7:30.  Barely.

The gates open and everyone bolts.  Nick gets a clue first.

Road block: one person from each team has to go into a chicken shack and search among 30,000 chickens to find one of seven golden eggs.  There is also a fast forward.  The teams have to go to a restaraunt and enjoy a local delicacy-the fat from the rear end of a sheep.  First team to finish gets the fast forward.  Terence and Sarah and Nick and Starr are both going for the fast forward.  The frat boys said it didn’t make sense to try and go up against Nick and Starr so they don’t go for the fast forward.  Neither do Toni and Dallas.  Tina is in the chicken shack along with Andrew and Toni.  They are dressed up in this full body suits and have to wear face masks.  Toni finds her golden egg first.

Find teh giant crane trucks.  They will travel by crane to Koktobe Arch and follow a marked path to a Mongol warrior and then wait for their next clue to arrive.  Andrew finds his golden egg next.  There are only two Mongol warriors so it’s first come first serve.  Tina finds her egg and is quickly catching up with Andrew.

Terence and Sarah and Nick and Starr arrive at the fast forward very closely together.  Terence is a vegetarian and hasn’t had meat for about 15 years.  He tells Sarah he can’t eat it but he eventually digs in.  Starr is gagging but she keeps going.  She’s doing great.  Terence is having a hard time.

Toni and Dallas get to the warriors first.  They get taken to another warrior who calls some sort of bird of prey who has the clue tied to his food.  Detour.

Play like mad: travel by taxi to the museum of folk instruments and learn how to play a simple song with two instruments.  Once they learn the song they have to go to the park to play for tips and earn the equivalent of $1.50.

Act like fools: put on a two person cow costume and walk the streets to a marked stall and drink a glass of milk.  The name of the next destination will be at the bottom of the glass where they have to go for their next clue.

Toni and Dallas choose the cow.  Ken and Tina get to Koktobe next.  Andrew and Dan are lost.

Back at the fast forward.  Terence can’t do it and I think they are going to give up.  Nick and Starr are close to being done.  Sarah is doing ok and is trying to encourage Terence.  Starr is almost done so Terence and Sarah give up.

Ken and Tina choose the cow costume task as well.  LOL.  Ken makes a comment “guess which end I am” when talking about the cow costume.  Andrew and Dan are still trying to get directions but can’t find any English speakers.

Nick finally finishes his plate and they get the clue.  They go to the Old Square, the next pit stop.

Sarah is going into the chicken shack.  And the frat boys are still lost.  Sarah is trying to get the chickens to move.  Andrew and Dan are talking about how the people are like zombies and they are “horrible people”.  Geez, what jerks.  Why do they expect these people to speak English?  Just because the people can’t understand what they are saying doesn’t mean they are rude and unhelpful.  They finally find a woman who gives their driver directions.

Nick and Starr are the first team to check in.  They each win a 180 horsepower wave runner.

Toni and Dallas get to the theater to get their cow costume.  LOL.  Dallas makes his mom be the back end of the cow.  Ken and Tina arrive just as Toni and Dallas leave.  Haha.  Dallas is telling his mom to wag the tail and be a good cow.  He’s having a great time walking through town.

Dan and Andrew arrive at Koktobe and are arguing walking up the hill.  Andrew can’t keep up with Dan.  Dan offers to carry his bag but Andrew just wants him to walk with him.  Dan says no and that the race isn’t won by walking.  Uh oh.  Toni and Dallas miss the marked milk stand.  Ken and Tina get to the milk first and drink their milk.  Uh oh.  It looks like Ken and Tina found the wrong milk stand.   Toni and Dallas go to the milk stand and re-read the clue and realize the destination is at the bottom of the cup.  So Tina just didn’t read the clue close enough.    She goes back and finds their clue.  Uh oh.  Now they think they need to take the costume back to the costume shop.

Dan and Andrew get the clue and choose the cow costume.  Dan wants to be the front because he moves faster.  Ken and Tina returned their costume and go to the bazaar.  Toni and Dallas find the meat section in their cow costume and get their clue.  Now they have to make their way on foot to Old Square.

The clue says to bring the cow head to the pit stop.  They run into Ken and Tina on their way out and ask where their costume is.  They tell them they need the costume but aftewards Toni and Dallas realize it was stupid to tell them.  Ken and Tina can’t get their clue and are heading back for their costume.

Toni and Dallas are team 2.  Andrew and Dan head off in the cow costume without their shoes.  Not sure if they can get those back after the pit stop.   Dan is yelling at people where the milk place is.  Ken and Tina are team 3.

Sarah and Terence stop a guy and ask them to take them to the milk shop.  The frat boys get a guy to show them the directions for 1000 something.  The frat boys get to the milk stand and then Terence and Sarah.  Dan and Andrew get the clue but then catch a cab!   Idiots!  And they still don’t have their shoes.  They check in 4th but are told they didn’t read their clue correctly so they have to go back to the end of the detour and come back on foot.  They can’t find a cab so they head back on foot.  They finally find a cab to go back to the end of the detour.

Sarah and Terence are at the bazaar but Andrew and Dan are back at the bazaar and heading back to the pit stop again.  Dan and Andrew are having a hard time because the boots are hurting their feet and are lost.  Sarah and Terence are asking for directions.    Dan and Andrew are fighting again about who has been patient on this leg of the race.

Ugh, Terence is making me sick with his whold “my love” endearment.  It looks good in books but sounds silly in real life.

Andrew and Dan check in before Terence and Sarah.  Sarah and Terence are last to arrive and are eliminated.  You know, I hated them at the beginning but they started to get along pretty well in the past few episodes so it’s a little sad.  I still think Terence is pathetic though and that Sarah could do better.

UN: Clouds of pollution threaten glaciers, health

BEIJING – A dirty brown haze sometimes more than a mile thick is darkening skies not only over vast areas of Asia, but also in the Middle East, southern Africa and the Amazon Basin, changing weather patterns around the world and threatening health and food supplies, the U.N. reported Thursday.

The huge smog-like plumes, caused mainly by the burning of fossil fuels and firewood, are known as “atmospheric brown clouds.”

When mixed with emissions of carbon dioxide and other gases blamed for warming the earth’s atmosphere like a greenhouse, they are the newest threat to the global environment, according to a report commissioned by the U.N. Environment Program.

“All of this points to an even greater and urgent need to look at emissions across the planet,” said Achim Steiner, head of Kenya-based UNEP, which funded the report with backing from Italy, Sweden and the United States.

Brown clouds are caused by an unhealthy mix of particles, ozone and other chemicals that come from cars, coal-fired power plants, burning fields and wood-burning stoves. First identified by the report’s lead researcher in 1990, the clouds were depicted Thursday as being more widespread and causing more environmental damage than previously known.

Perhaps most widely recognized as the haze this past summer over Beijing’s Olympics, the clouds have been found to be more than a mile thick around glaciers in the Himalaya and Hindu Kush mountain ranges. They hide the sun and absorb radiation, leading to new worries not only about global climate change but also about extreme weather conditions.

“All these have led to negative effects on water resources and crop yields,” the report says.

Health problems associated with particulate pollution, such as cardiovascular and respiratory diseases, are linked to nearly 350,000 premature deaths in China and India every year, said Henning Rohde, a University of Stockholm scientist who worked on the study.

Soot levels in the air were reported to have risen alarmingly in 13 megacities: Bangkok, Beijing, Cairo, Dhaka, Karachi, Kolkata, Lagos, Mumbai, New Delhi, Seoul, Shanghai, Shenzhen and Tehran.

Brown clouds were also cited as dimming the light by as much as 25 percent in some places including Karachi, New Delhi, Shanghai and Beijing.

The phenomenon complicates the climate change scenario, because the brown clouds also help cool the earth’s surface and mask the impact of global warming by an average of 40 percent, according to the report.

Though it has been studied closely in Asia, the latest findings, conducted by an international collaboration of scientists, reveal that the brown cloud phenomenon is not unique to Asia, with pollution hotspots seen in North America, Europe, South Africa and South America.

More specifically, researchers found, brown clouds are forming over eastern China; northeastern Pakistan, India, Bangladesh and Myanmar; Cambodia, Indonesia, Thailand, and Vietnam; sub-Saharan Africa southward into Angola, Zambia and Zimbabwe; and the Amazon Basin in South America.

The enormous cloud masses can move across continents within three to four days. Although they also form over the eastern U.S. and Europe, winter snow and rain tend to lessen the impact in those areas.

An international response is needed to deal with “the twin threats of greenhouse gases and brown clouds and the unsustainable development that underpins both,” said the lead researcher, Veerabhadran Ramanathan, a professor of climate and ocean sciences at the University of California in San Diego.

One of the most serious problems, Ramanathan said, is retreat of the glaciers in the Himalaya and Hindu Kush and in Tibet. The glaciers feed most Asian rivers and “have serious implications for the water and food security of Asia,” he said.

Monsoon rains over India and southeast Asia decreased between 5 and 7 percent overall since the 1950s, the report says, naming brown clouds and global warming as a possible cause. Likewise, they may have contributed to the melting of China’s glaciers, which have shrunk 5 percent since the 1950s. The volume of China’s nearly 47,000 glaciers has fallen by 3,000 square kilometers (1,158.31 square miles) in the past 25 years, according to the Chinese Academy of Sciences.

Soot winds up on the surface of the glaciers that feed the Ganges, Indus, Yangtze and Yellow rivers, which makes the glaciers absorb more sunlight and melt more quickly and also pollutes the rivers, the researchers say.

But the U.N., which began studying the problem six years ago, still finds “significant uncertainty” in understanding how brown clouds affect conditions regionally, Ramanathan cautioned.

How they came up with the logo

Quebec last North American jurisdiction to resist wide-scale use of advanced life support, Gazette, Apr. 2005

Quebec last North American jurisdiction to resist wide-scale use of advanced life support

AARON DERFEL  The Gazette

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Paramedics trained in advanced life support should not be deployed across Quebec because there are “insufficient data” to show that this would save more lives, a provincial government report recommends.

Rather, Quebec should continue to study the effectiveness of advanced paramedics in limited pilot projects, concludes the report by the provincial agency that evaluates medical technologies. Quebec remains the last jurisdiction in North America to resist the wide-scale use of such ambulance resources.

Quebec Health Minister Philippe Couillard yesterday welcomed the report’s go-slow recommendations.

“The government wants to introduce advanced pre-hospital care in a progressive and measured way in Quebec,” Couillard told reporters.

Paramedics and other experts, however, expressed outrage that more than three years after a pilot project was launched in Montreal and Laval, the report calls for yet more pilot projects.

“This is state-sanctioned procrastination, whereas advanced life support is the norm in all of the Western world,” said Glenn Nashen, a former emergency medical technician in Cote St. Luc.

“It seems we still have to study things and not move forward. Why should the Quebec population be deprived of what is available in the rest of North America? It’s infuriating.”

Nashen noted that a fair number of frustrated paramedics have left Quebec to practise advanced life support in the United States and Ontario.

Benoit Touchette, one of 18 Urgences Sante ambulance technicians taking part in the initial pilot project, said there’s no reason to delay expanding advanced life support provincewide.

“I’m a little bit disappointed about this aspect of the report, because the whole population of Quebec is in need of this service,” Touchette said.

The report, however, provides the first official government recognition in Quebec of the importance of advanced life support in on-the-spot treatment of people suffering from severe breathing problems and cardiac-related chest pain. But the report notes that there is no evidence ALS can save the lives of those who have had a heart attack, although such an intervention is hypothetically of some benefit.

The report warns against the ALS technique of intubating children and treating such trauma cases as those involved in car crashes.

Diane Verreault, president of the Association professionelle des paramedics du Quebec, said she was glad that the report recommends elevating the training requirements for ALS certification. As of September 2006, paramedics must obtain a special CEGEP degree.

However, she, too, found fault with the report’s refusal to endorse ALS for all of Quebec.

“That’s the only thing that I’m disappointed in, but we have to start somewhere,” she said. “If that’s the way to go, I’m ready to play the game.”

She added that after years of a “lack of vision” on the part of the government, progress is finally being made.

Verreault has agreed to join an interdisciplinary committee made up of representatives from Urgences Sante, the Quebec College of Physicians and the government to chart a course of action. The committee’s first meeting is tomorrow.

Couillard cautioned that the new breed of ambulance workers will face some restrictions.

“There are certain areas of care which are probably done elsewhere that have been shown in the literature to be harmful to people, mainly intervention in the pediatric population … and in trauma cases. So I’m sure you don’t want us to deploy practices that are not to the benefit of the public.

“Integration is the key word,” Couillard added, pointing out that there is no uniform model that exists elsewhere.

“In large cities in Canada, we have the advanced paramedic profile. But in most of the other areas, we have mainly the primary care of paramedic, and we want the basic training of our paramedics to be better than that basic level.”

But Nashen countered that in rural areas in Ontario, where there is no ALS service, trauma helicopters respond to emergencies - something that’s sorely unavailable in Quebec.

Couillard said he’d like to work on developing first responders in big cities like Montreal. He could not give estimates of how much his plan would cost.

Dr. Reiner Banken, one of the authors of the report, said Quebec can learn from negative ALS experiences in other jurisdictions.

“What our report is saying is ‘yes, but’ to advanced life support, and there are very many conditions attached to the ‘but,’ ” Banken said.

Urgences Sante, the company overseeing pre-hospital services in Montreal and Laval, sent 18 technicians to Ontario for training as paramedics without the government’s consent in 2001.

Couillard replaced the company’s chief executive officer and demanded an audit last month after a report revealed the $3-million project was nearly $1 million over budget with a number of unauthorized expenses.

Online Extra: Paramedics would save lives and money in Quebec, argues a former Cote St. Luc councillor and ex-emergency medical technician with Urgences Sante for 17 years. Find out more at our Web site: www.montrealgazette.com.

MIKE DE SOUZA of the Gazette Quebec Bureau contributed to this report

aderfel@thegazette.canwest.com

© The Gazette (Montreal) 2005

In the beginning...

 

Cracking Open, June 1993: 

I first heard ‘the voice’ as my body shook uncontrollably. “Everything is OK.  Breathe.  Breathe.  We will help you.”  The voice spoke directly to me as my head, shoulders, arms and legs lifted off the ground.  I wanted to cry, laugh, scream, but I could not open my mouth.  My eyes were sealed shut.  I could only rely upon my listening as the voice guided and surrounded me.  “We will help you.”

Help me.  Yes, help me.  For months, years, my life seemed to be held together by a series of lies that I told myself.  Yes, I am truly happy.  Yes, I am straight.  Yes, I can handle it.  The rage, sorrow, and worry had been building and I was often at a loss on how to express those feelings.  I was in pain and in search of a cure.  So there I was, lying on the ground in a cement-covered yard under a full moon in Jersey City, New Jersey and a disembodied voice was offering to help me.  Sure, I could use some assistance.  There didn’t seem to be many other choices, so I surrendered.

I wanted to meditate and I wanted to do it well.  For months I had been studying and practicing various techniques.  I went to lectures and read books about quieting the mind, learned to count breaths, sat upright, my spine straight and tall, legs folded in my version of lotus position, listening to New Age flute music.  I often fell asleep, my body stiff when I awoke.  Inspired by the full moon meditations I took part in at the New York Open Center, I invited my friend Sheila to share her knowlegde and combine our practices in the back yard of my little ground-floor apartment.  I grabbed something to lie on and we walked outside.  We created a comfortable place for ourselves.  Sheila was on my right.  To my left was the small garden I tended.  Behind us, at our heads, was the row of three-story townhouses along Grand Street.  Our feet faced a round picnic table and four benches with a white-fringed, aquamarine colored umbrella protuding from the center, a barbeque grill and a large shed.  Beyond that was another row of yards and houses.  The evening was warm and clear.  We said a short prayer and then we were quiet.  I waited, staring at the heavens and looking from side to side.  My next door neighbors chatted in their kitchen, clanging pots and dishes.  A dog barked and I listened for the sound of my own dogs pacing or whining, but heard nothing.  A dim light shined down on us and I knew that Bill, the elderly man who lived above me, was home.  Other lights went on and off as people moved about their apartments.  My attention turned to my breathing and I did what I learned in one of the many classes - a slow breath in through the nose and out through the mouth.  My belly and chest rose and fell as I began to relax a bit more.  Sheila was still and her eyes were closed.  When the moon rose round, white and bright above the rooftops I closed my eyes and took in more air.  I hoped I wouldn’t fall asleep.

A warm shiver ran through my body.  That’s my body relaxing, I thought.  I twitched and my breath sharpened.  I listened for familiar sounds, but silence seemed louder than anything else.  My heart rate quickened.  The top of my head began to tingle.  Another dog barked.  I took a slow breath in and let it go out the same way.  The shivers turned to tremors and increased in their intensity and duration.  My heart beat, beat, beat.  A little sweat formed on my belly and down my spine.  My fingers were cold, then warm.  I lost track of the cycles of breath as my whole body shook.  Panic.  Curiosity.  Panic.  Curiosity.  I could not open my eyes or stop shaking.  My head, neck and shoulders lifted themselves, followed by my legs and arms.  The only part of me that I was aware of touching the ground was my lower back.  My sense of hearing became heightened and I began to focus on a loud rustling sound in the bushes to my left.  The noise terrified me and I was convinced that whatever was in those bushes was coming for me.  I wanted to turn my head, open my eyes and scream, but I could do nothing but shake even harder as the rustling became louder and more terrifying.  Then the voice came.  It was a very calm, soothing voice.  It was avoice that was inside me, but also outside of me, standing above me, in front of me, behind me.  It was an everywhere voice and I liked the feeling of it.  It spoke directly to me.  “Everything is OK.  Breathe.  Breathe.  We will help you.”  The voice guided my breathing.  “Slower.  Slower.”  It assured me that the experience was coming to an end.  I did as advised and my body touched the blankets once again.  My eyes remained closed as the voice filled me, touching all parts of my body like a warm caress.  It seemed to be saying many things to me but I was not cleat as to what the messages were.  Then the voice said, “Open your eyes.”  I looked around and turned my head to see Sheila staring at me.  The voice was gone and I was left with my thoughts and many, many questions.

Open Eyes Gif-Edit

Disturbing Thoughts (Warning: Some disturbing materials involved)

Recently, I've been thinking alot. My mind filled with thousands of thoughts flitting about, some interfering with others, criss-crossing and dissecting each other. I think it has to do with the amount of material I've been reading for the past week or so. Living in a safe and secure environment like Singapore, it's sometimes difficult to imagine situations and circumstances out of the ordinary. Out of the ordinary meaning things that do not and will never occur within the stringent boundaries of my society. However, the books I have been reading are those of a different culture of society, where the worst imaginable is reality.

As a undergrad of Psychology, the type of material that I have taken upon myself are those of mental abuse, torture and psychological concepts. I've forced that material upon myself in hopes of widening and broadening my mind to accept these concepts. It is difficult sometimes coming from a background that would never abhor such a mindset. I find myself concentrating hard to swallow some of these books when reading should actually be a relaxation and pleasurable way of passing time. I feel that as Psychology would be my future destiny I should force these upon myself, to be accustomed to what I may be dealing with in time to come. If I'm unable to stomach these realities happening in the world outside my comfort zone then my world would be as narrow and claustrophobic as the society I'm living in and I would find many difficulties coping with my future endeavors.

Since I've started this course, I've been purchasing and borrowing plenty of books to do with dementia, personality disorder, multiple personality disorder, schizophrenia and mania. Along with that are books and stories of true experiences of physical and mental torture. Sometimes even sexual abuse amongst the family. Before I can learn the psychological concepts linked to these books I must first accustom myself and widen my threshold of acceptance of these horrors. However, I feel that I may have been overloading myself with too much of these material that it's taking a toll on me and I find myself struggling to get up each morning with all these thoughts floating around and me trying to break them down into acceptance.

A couple of nights ago I almost retched into the toilet bowl while trying to finish a book titled "Child C" by Christopher Spry. It had to do with children taken into social services and being taken to a career, Eunice Spry. The book evolving around how this woman mentally and physically tortured these children. She inflicted upon them horrible "punishments" such as starving them, asking them to eat what they have thrown up, eating their own waste, beating them till they bled and force-feeding them all sorts of detergents like bleach, TCP, dish-washing liquid and many others. Sometimes, the children would puke and she would make them eat what they have thrown up. These are all horrible concepts for one to stomach, especially for one coming from a peaceful society like Singapore where cases of domestic abuse are rare and almost unheard of. Reading this book, I realized that these children have never argued or resisted the torture inflicted upon them and in fact succumbed themselves to accept whatever "punishment" Eunice Spry had churned out at them. The use of "punishment" meaning that they had done nothing to deserved it. In the first place, this type of "punishment" cannot even be labeled as punishment as it is by no means any type of behavior one should ever be made to do or even accustomed to. It is pure torture. It made me grieve how much these children have had to endure so much so to the point that they can't even resist. To some of them, it has become a custom and they think nothing of it as they believe that this is what life is supposed to be. These things have become a norm for them. Therefore, they have no reason to deny it so they succumb to it.

It takes a very different type of person than the type we usually know to mete out these type of abuse. I for one cannot imagine how one human being can inflict these types of torture on another human being. Adding to this knowledge, I have also read about how parents or members of authority have sexually abused a young child whom they are supposed to love and care for. They have instead abused their power and violated the innocence of these little children. To put myself in the situation of any of these young children, I sometimes admire how some of them can pull themselves up and look into the future, building a wonderful life up for themselves. The betrayal of love and trust would have been too hard for me to withstand. I would have offed myself in a second. I feel that it's the environment and life that was all they have known since they were brought into this world. They have taken and suffered so much that they have become strong individuals. As for myself, I feel blessed being brought into this world into the arms of loving parents, a wonderful peace-loving society and lovely siblings. I feel for these people who have suffered and I want to help them. I guess this is why Psychology was my choice.

Looking past domestic abuse, I have also read how life can turn so drastically that it is overwhelming. There have been individuals who have been living a wonderful and wholesome life, life so safe and secure that they think nothing could ever happen to take it all away from them. It can happen, it has happened. I read about how a young woman, living happily with her husband and young child had her life thrown into complete disaster one afternoon bringing her little girl out for a stroll. Her child was less than a year or a year old and she was pushing the little girl around in a pram for a walk around the park. She had walked to a secluded area of the park and was sitting down either reading a book or enjoying the atmosphere of the park when a man whom she had known by face sat down beside her. The man played a little with her child and then suddenly looked at her saying if she wanted her young child to be safe she had better do exactly what he said. It was then that she noticed that there was virtually not a single person around her. Worried for her child she did exactly as she was told and walked to a spot nearby with the man. The man had ordered her to undress and was soon violating her. He didn't rape her. He had in fact inserted his entire arm into her womanhood. The pain had been so intense that she had passed out. Due to this, she had to have numerous surgeries to her womb and was told she could never conceive again. As a woman, I cannot imagine the amount of pain she had to endure and I was having trouble breathing trying to accept this new piece of knowledge into my system. Singapore is a very conservative society. Schools have been educating their students about abstinence till marriage. Rape and sexual intercourse with minors are considered serious offenses and what had happened to this woman is definitely unheard of here. My brain and heart had come to an absolute standstill when I read that the man was only given 5 years in jail. It seemed that there was a loophole in the law and as he has not raped her, it was not counted as rape and they could only charge him with violence towards another individual. The total injustice of the incident and what the woman had to endure was just overwhelming. I could hardly sleep that night as what I have read kept playing in my mind. Not to mention, the impact of the incident on her. She eventually had to leave her husband as she could not stand the thought of another man coming near her.

As a woman, I find myself struggling to accept a concept like this. The pain she had to go through both mentally and physically is unimaginable. All I can tell myself to comfort myself is that something like this would never happen in Singapore but after reading all the material I have read, unimaginable has become reality and I find myself feeling and grieving for this woman - How she has endured the pain, pulled herself to her feet for the sake of her child, and continued living and building up a wonderful life for herself and her child. It is difficult to understand how individuals who are practically strangers, who have possibly no vengeance or grievances towards each other can actually inflict that much pain on the other. I guess there is much I don't know about the world out there and alot more material I have to read to allow myself to accept these types of circumstances and events that are happening in a world so much closer to home than I realize.

Death is another thing I've been finding hard to accept, the circumstances of death being the most potent factor. For me, death within the people close to me has been extremely rare. The only death of a loved one I have experienced is the death of my grandfather. I have never been really close to my grandfather, save for the time when I was around 5 to 6 years old when I was living with my grandparents. At that time, my parents had just purchased land for a corner terrace and it was in the process of construction. My parents had sold their condo unit and so we went to live with my grandparents. Although I was never close to my grandfather, the only time I've ever really spoken to him being asking why he smoked so much and should smoke less; for which years later when I mentioned it to my mom I got chided saying I was lucky I didn't get yelled at, I still felt a great sense of loss when he passed away. He had passed on due to lung cancer. Death had never been something I have experienced and the first time I experienced it, I was 18. I was a little old realizing that death meant I could never see the person or ever converse with the person again and each time I went to my grandparents' house I would never see the familiar, thin and dark figure sitting at the desk on the side of the house. Well, I was a late bloomer in the sense of experiences. I would admit that due to my lifestyle, I doubt I'd be able to withstand or deal with hardship appropriately and the sense of loss would probably simply just overwhelm me. I admire people that are able to deal with hardship because of this and sometimes I feel vulnerable to the world as I lack the threshold to deal with pain and hardship, this is another reason why I'm force-feeding myself to understand, accept and deal with things outside my comfort zone.

I have read recently in Christopher Spry's book about death, with circumstances leading up to it so sudden and horrifying. It was a car accident, with the unfortunate vehicle being reduced from 3.2 to 1.3 in length. The two passengers in the front seat died instantly, the driver was decapitated. As a driver, it hit me hard. I have only acquired my license some months ago and I enjoy fast drives, giving myself a time-limit as competition. After reading about this particular incident, I've been more afraid and have been driving slower recently. I'm not sure if Mel has noticed but I've reduced my speed and have been more careful when making turns or cutting. It's a horrible way to die, being decapitated and I don't want to bring harm to those with me in the car. Although Christopher Spry, like me who wasn't all that close to my grandfather, was not close to the two people that passed on in the accident - he in fact had the grounds to hate them, but still he was upset and overwhelmed at first. Death is difficult to accept on all grounds and it's a painful thing to accept and to live with. Still, for me the first step is still accepting. Only when you learn to accept, you can then move on.

Overall, the time I have spent reading have been taxing and emotionally difficult sometimes, quite a difference for an avid reader like myself. Reading used to be my solace and I loved it, but the material I now read is disturbing and sometimes difficult, very difficult to accept. Still, I will persevere till the time I can find these material intriguing and acceptable. With time, I would be able to help people, but acceptance still comes first.

A Moment Of Life (check out my gallery: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mongol)